A Family Matter
by Madrigal-in-training
Summary: Naruto is, in some way or another, related to or has a connection to a huge group of powerful A-rank or S-rank ninja, who proceeded to ignore him for most of his life. What if they weren't really as absent as it seems? Obito-nii, Kakashi-nii, Nagato-ji... Naruto clearly has a large extended family to deal with. SasuNaru in the end.
1. Obito-nii

Obito Uchiha was the first person to sneak into Naruto's room. It wasn't for a perverted reason, no matter how one may have interpreted for a supposedly dead man in his mid-twenties to sneak into the room of a five-year-old boy in the dead of night. Obito had a far more selfish reason to be there, beyond mere sexual gratification (which would line up more with 'creepy' than with 'gratification' since he wasn't Orochimaru). The reason was because of Obito's self-imposed role of older brother.

He DESERVED to be here, dammit. Naruto was Minato-sensei's son. Had Obito not faked his own death, he would have been one of Naruto's older brothers. The other one being Kakashi. Could he really let a stuck-up prick like Kakashi be Naruto's only role model?

No! Obito would never be so cruel to the world.

Incidentally, it was laughably easy for Obito to sneak past village security and knock out Naruto's ANBU guards. That may have had something to do with his talents as an S-rank missing nin, but Obito preferred to believe that Konoha was only growing soft.

"Naruto," Obito whispered, taking off his mask and tiptoeing into the room, "Naruto- wake up." The boy was remarkably similar to his father, Obito noted happily, with his spiky blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Huh?" Naruto said groggily, blearily blinking his eyes a few times, "Who're you?"

"I'm your nii-san!" Obito announced, cheerfully, completely abandoning his self-control and grabbing chibi-Minato. Naruto squeaked as he was suddenly brought over to the dark-haired stranger's chest and snuggled in a manner not entirely dissimilar to a stuffed toy.

"You're so adorable," Obito cooed, feeling strangely proud as Naruto tried to grapple himself out of the stranger's grasp, "And surprisingly energetic. You must get that from your mother."

Naruto quickly stilled. "You know my mother?" he asked, with a hopeful tilt of his head.

"I knew her," Obito corrected, hugging Naruto's body to his chest once again as the boy's head fell, "Hey, it's okay. She really loved you. She would have wanted you to be happy. And look, I'm here! So you won't have to be alone."

"I don't think you're really my nii-san," Naruto informed him, sniffling, "You have the Shami- Shari- the weird red eyes."

Instantly, a dark aura of depression surrounded the young man. "Why does everyone always hold my heritage against me?" Obito whimpered, "I can't help being an Uchiha!"

Naruto sweat dropped when he saw a black cloud appear over the man. Feeling a little bad- the man was just trying to comfort him after all- Naruto raised a hand and hesitantly patted him on the shoulder.

"Um… it's okay?" he offered. Obito quickly returned to beaming at him.

"You're such a good boy for comforting me!" Obito squealed, drawing him into a hug again, "I know I'm not really your nii-san, but I was the second person to hold you after you were born. Even before your father! I was there for your birth too. I had never known Kushina-san could curse like that."

He conveniently decided not to mention that he was trying to hold Naruto hostage at that time.

"Where have you been all this time, then?" Naruto pouted, "I'm five and this is the first time I've ever met you!"

Obito chuckled nervously. "Long story. To give you the brief highlights, I've trained to become an S-class missing nin, took over Kiri by initiating a civil war, and placing a genjutsu on the Mizukage, and recruited a group of S-class missing nin to form my own Bijuu delivery system. There are some extra details here and there like when I tricked a serial bomber into joining the Akatsuki, or when I contacted my baby cousin to help massacre my entire clan, but that's pretty much it."

Naruto, being only five years old, seemed to have understood only one part of that. "Cool! You're a ninja? Are you really strong? Can you show me any tricks?"

Obito relaxed fractionally and gave him a large grin. "Why not? I'm one of the strongest ninja in existence after all. By the way, do you like orange? I like orange. I think you're one of the few people who would like orange too."

They spent another few hours discussing the relative merits of different ninja techniques and about Naruto's life. After one morose recounting of a cruel shopkeeper who tried to sell him grossly overpriced rotten vegetables (Obito gave the blonde a tense smile and promised to 'handle it'), the Uchiha finally showed Naruto a few techniques.

"And this," Obito began, demonstrating a spherical black and white ball of raw energy, "Is yin-yang release in its' purest form. With this, I can level mountains and take over entire villages." The young man particularly enjoyed the rapt attention he was given.

"Cool," Naruto said, obediently. Then, "Can you teach me that?"

"Maybe when you're older," Obito replied, with that special sort of condescension that a young person can only receive from an older relative or someone with an above-average dedication towards pissing you off.

Naruto pouted. Obito paused. Naruto raised teary eyes. Obito wavered. Naruto bit his lip. Obito broke… nearly.

"Sorry chibi, but I own that look," Obito grinned at him. His smile fell off his face as the red-eyed shinobi remembered what he had to do.

"I'm sorry chibi-mine, but I have to go," Obito said, with genuine sadness. A small dash of pink and robin's egg blue had taken place of the morning sky.

"Will you come back soon?" Naruto asked, his shoulders dropping somewhat.

"I don't know," Obito said quietly, attempting a shaky smile, "I'll try to see you again, but… I doubt that our next reunion will be as happy as this one. Don't ever think that I'll regret this, though. Whatever happens, I'll still be glad that I got to know you, chibi-mine. Keep your head up, kay? And wear those goggles I brought you. They could remind you of me."

The man paused, "I'm going to have to make sure you can't tell anyone about me, chibi-mine. Don't worry; it won't hurt, and you'll still remember me."

Then, before Naruto could protest, Obito brought his eye down to bright blue irises and activated his Mangekyo Sharingan.

"Tsukuyomi."

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	2. Kakashi-nii

Kakashi Hatake was the second person to sneak into Naruto's room, which he did four weeks after Obito's impromptu drop in. Unlike his supposedly dead teammate, and quasi I- Hate- You- But- Would- Still- Die- For- You- And- You- Did- Die- For- Me- So- I- Feel- Guilty friend (it's complicated), Kakashi did not knock out the ANBU guards. He didn't need to. One pointed gesture from the infamous ANBU captain Inu and the rookies were off.

With an entirely male giggle, Kakashi snuck through the window, and cheerfully made his way to Naruto's bed. At the sight of the sleeping blonde, Kakashi rudely yanked up the small boy and placed him on his lap.

"Hello," Kakashi chirped, at Naruto's disgruntled glare, "I'm Kakashi!"

The blond boy sighed. "Supposed to be my brother figure?"

The silver-haired cyclops happily nodded.

"Busy for the last five years of my life?" Another nod.

"Strong shinobi, but you refuse to teach me any techniques?" A third nod.

"Alright," Naruto said finally, curling up trustingly on the jounin's lap, "Can you tell me any stories about my parents?"

So Kakashi went into the memory of Kushina's pregnancy when she had a ridiculously large craving for pickled-everything and poor Minato had to rush around the city, gathering the ingredients for picked toast or pickled ice cream, or Kushina's favorite, pickled ramen. This was followed by an account of Naruto's father's first apartment buying experience, where Minato made the mistake of notifying Jiraiya and ending up with an apartment in the red-light district. Naruto's favorite story involved Kushina's first D-rank mission- which Kakashi had heard second hand from Minato- when she accidentally-on-purpose set an annoying cat on fire.

"You're pretty cool, Kakashi," Naruto said, after the ending of the sixth story, "I think I would like to be a shinobi too."

Kakashi's eye crinkled into a smile. "Thanks Naruto. I think you'll make an excellent shinobi. You can attend the Academy when you're eight if you like."

Naruto pouted. "That's three YEARS. I'll be old then," he whined. Slyly, he looked up at Kakashi with wide eyes, "Can't I go to school earlier, nii-san?"

As an ANBU Captain, Kakashi knew that he was being played. As an antisocial, mentally scarred orphan who had just met his honorary little brother face-to-face for the first time in five years, Kakashi melted.

When he started hugging the stuffing out of the blond, Naruto knew that he had won. A little while later, Naruto readily agreed when Kakashi asked him if he could place a genjutsu on the blonde. In the back of his mind, Kakashi briefly wondered at his otouto's easy acceptance of his request.

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	3. Nagato-jii

Nagato Uzumaki, who also went by the alias of Pain, walked through the door of Naruto's apartment. Suffice to say, the elite guards were easily disposed of by this self-proclaimed god. The Akatsuki member had a completely legitimate reason to be here. Naruto's mother was an Uzumaki. His godfather was Nagato's old sensei. His father was Nagato's fellow apprentice.

Hell, Konoha was lucky that it still even had the blonde. Had Nagato been any less equipped to deal with a child- being the leader of a rebel group in a civil war did that- than he would have kidnapped the blonde, hands down.

Instead, Nagato silently stood at the side of the slumbering blonde and poked him. Nothing. Nagato poked him again. And again. And again.

"Argh!" Naruto garbled, reluctantly opening his eyes, "...Why do I even bother to lock the door anymore?"

The five-year-old wasn't particularly worried. He had never received the "Don't Accept Candy From Strangers" talk or other variations, and had also grown accustomed to finding strange men in his apartment in the dead of night.

"You shall call me Nagato-ji," the pierced man said bluntly, "We are distant cousins, you and I. You shall have to make allowances for my discomfort. I am unaccustomed to dealing with children."

"...Your eyes are purple."

"That is my dojutsu. It is called the Rinnegan."

"Will I have a dojutsu?"

"Only if you have everyone you love massacred in front of you, while you stand by helplessly, knowing that it was your fault for causing their deaths and that you are too weak to protect them."

"...I don't want it anymore."

"Yes, most people come to that conclusion, as well."

The two Uzumaki stared at each other, one a small, defenseless child of five and the other, a tall, lanky, heavily pierced man with bright purple eyes.

Then, Naruto proved what a remarkable person he was when he swung out of bed and ran over to the elder Uzumaki. Without even a flicker of hesitation, Naruto threw his hands around the older's man's waist and gave him a tight hug. Pain started to draw back from surprise, before he caught the hurt expression on the blonde's face and stilled. Slowly, he placed his own arms around the young boy, knelt down on one leg, and returned the hug.

"I used to have a very dear friend… Yahiko. He was very much like you, I believe," Nagato's voice carried a small inflection of sorrow, "The same kind heart; the same generous spirit. Had his- had my situation been different, I would have taken you away from this accursed village in a heartbeat."

"It's okay," Naruto smiled, even as his lips trembled and tears filled his eyes, "I'm happy here- I like living in Konoha. It's my hom- village."

"I would have rather that you had a proper home though," Nagato murmured, reluctantly stepping away, "And that you did not carry- or that I not have to… you are an Uzumaki, Naruto. Do you know what that means?"

"No," the child admitted bashfully, "I know a little bit about my mother… her name was Kushina Uzumaki!"

"Well, she was another member of our esteemed clan," Nagato told him, gracefully sitting in Naruto's bed, and not even twitching when the child crawled in trustingly onto his lap, "Our clan was a distant clan to the Senju- they founded Konoha- and our bloodlines were even similar. The Uzumaki Clan even founded their own village, Uzushiogakure, the Village Hidden in the Whirlpools. Would you like to learn a little about your ancestral land?"

Naruto nodded eagerly, and Nagato began recounting the stories of his own childhood, that his parents- refugees from Uzushiogakure- had lovingly passed on to him during bedtime. It was a happy young child that drifted away to sleep, carried on by the tales of a sunny island surrounded by foam-tipped whirlpools that was the home of the Uzumaki seal masters.

They would be stories that Naruto would pass on to his own children someday. That of a handsome warrior prince who gave his lifeblood to form the legendary blood sealed gates of Uzu or of the cheeky gulls with red-edged wings that carried the souls of the deceased Uzumaki clansmen up to the realm of Kami or perhaps at the bottom tip of Uzu's greatest whirlpool, which held a blood-red stone that held the secrets of the Uzumaki's longevity. Each story would be loosely structured with clever words, lovingly caressed by a tone of admiration, and diligently painted with vivid descriptions from parent to child for the next four generations. Until one of those children, an adventurer by the name of Kaito Uzumaki, would search for the ancestral island spoken of in family stories and bring back the great nation of Uzushiogakure.

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	4. Itachi-nii

Itachi Uchiha did not have any possessive familial relationship (whether imagined or not…) with Naruto Uzumaki, per se. He supposed that since his mother, Mikoto Uchiha, was best friends with Naruto's mother, Kushina Uzumaki, and that since Kushina had been named his godmother, he could make a reliable case for being Naruto's godbrother. Of course, Kushina had died when Itachi was young and Mikoto proceeded to ignore the fact that her friend's son ever existed (though he had caught her sending the blonde concerned looks every now and then which probably meant that the Uchiha Elders had been the ones to ignore Kushina's very existence), so Itachi never really formed a relationship with his godbrother.

He hadn't been particularly interested in doing so either, except that the blonde had started becoming an adept prankster and there was a rumor going around that the ANBU training barracks were his next target. Since any messes the kid made would be cleaned up by the rookies- which Itachi was perpetually consigned to being, at least until he properly hit puberty-the Uchiha had chosen to drop by and nip any plans in the bud by disposing of any prankster equipment.

He had chosen an inopportune time to sneak into Naruto's apartment though (the ANBU guards were in happy-time-sleepy-land by way of genjutsu) since the young boy had woken up to use the bathroom.

"Oh, hi there!" the kid chirped, quite cheerfully for one who had found a stranger pausing, stunned, in the middle of a heist, "Do you want some tea?"

Itachi would have normally refused, but… He took one look at that open, kind, and contagious Uzumaki grin and- like his mother before him- Itachi was hooked.

"His teeth are sparkling in the dim light," Itachi marveled silently, as he nodded and followed the blonde into his kitchen. The manners that his mother had so painstakingly beaten into him were in employ as Itachi reluctantly drew out his customary box of dango (as a side dish to his customary ten boxes of pocky) and offered it to the blonde without a word. The surprised but happy grin he got in response instantly made Itachi feel better, as he realized one short but distinctly important point.

This kid was just like his otouto.

Instantly, Itachi's ingrained big brother reflex clicked on.

"Let me make that tea," the older boy interrupted, all but snatching the pot from Naruto's unresisting hands and shooing the boy into the kitchen and on the couch, "On second thought, tea would make you hyper in the middle of the night. Would you like a nice, warm cup of milk instead?"

Naruto blushed. "Don't have any milk," he muttered quietly, "I'm only allowed a gallon every month and I already finished it. 'M sorry."

Itachi's expression froze. "I see," he said, neutrally, "Well, there's no need to apologize then. Would you like me to bring you some milk tomorrow? Children seem to be fond of it; my little brother certainly likes it enough."

Naruto's blush deepened. "You don't have to do that," he said, looking up defiantly, "I don't want to be a bother. Milk doesn't even taste very good anyway. Ramen is so much better."

"It's no bother at all, I assure you," Itachi saw that his clipped tone was making the younger boy tense, and attempted to soften it, "I'll simply drop it by on my way to work. You won't even notice that I'm here. Perhaps some onigiri as well… my mother makes excellent onigiri."

"Thanks," Naruto said, wistfully, "I wish my mom would be around to make me onigiri too."

"I'm sure that she wishes that as well," Itachi said, somewhat awkwardly. He did not have any experience in comforting a child in the face of death; few people- even his own family- expected him to assert the warmth and empathy necessary to comfort anyone, and Sasuke only needed a few consoling words after a failed training attempt or a skinned knee.

"Kakashi-nii said that too," Naruto replied, his smile becoming a little larger, "Eh, nii-san, are you a shinobi?"

"Kakashi-sempai was here?" Itachi thought, with surprise, before focusing on Naruto's question, "Yes, I am. Why do you ask."

"Well..." the child drawled, clearly having practiced as he leaned forward and appealed to the older boy with wide, bright blue eyes, "I thought that you could maybe… teach me a jutsu?"

Itachi was thankful for Sasuke's equally endearing begging, since that had led him to develop a tolerance against all things adorable and cuddly, "Do you know what jutsu's are created with?"

"Aw, but why not- eh, what did you say?" the boy cut himself off halfway as he realized that it wasn't his usual direct refusal. He looked up with a small amount of hope, "Um… the hand signs?"

"The hand signs merely form the shape and type of the jutsu," Itachi corrected, "Chakra is what makes up a jutsu. Do you know what chakra is?"

"Ch'kra?" Naruto asked, confused, "Ah… no."

"Chakra," Itachi corrected, "It's the combination of physical and spiritual energy that a person builds up as he grows and gains experience and knowledge of life. Jutsus are powered by strong, matured chakra, that exist as an existing expression of the wielder's will laid down into the real world. As a child, your chakra is too small and undeveloped to form any jutsu."

"So, I can't even do any jutsus?" Naruto sighed, "That sucks."

"Indeed," the Uchiha agreed, "However, I have been told that you are adept at pulling pranks. Would you like me to give you some tips on that hobby of yours?"

Naruto looked stunned. "YOU'RE a PRANKSTER?"

"I feel that I should be offended by your vehement disbelief," Itachi said, mildly, "But for an answer, no, I am not a prankster. Pranks aren't much different from traps though, and I am very skilled in those." Naruto looked up at the older boy with the type of awe he usually only received from Sasuke, and Itachi felt a little warmer inside.

"Teach me!"

So Itachi ended up disregarding his initial self-delegated mission in favor of assisting with the very habit that he had been attempting to hinder beforehand. And yes, Naruto's next target actually was the ANBU training barracks.

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	5. Shisui-nii

Shisui looked over at the sleeping blonde. He didn't understand. He really didn't understand. Sure, the Uzumaki kid was more or less adorable, and okay, yeah, he took advantage of the boy's deep sleep to gleefully ruffle those spiky blonde locks, but Shisui really couldn't much of the attraction. What was so appealing or special about Uzumaki Naruto- beyond his status as the resident jinchuuriki- that caused his apathetic younger cousin to visit him in the dead of night.

As far as Shisui knew, Itachi wasn't attracted to guys. Actually, Shisui doubted that the Uchiha prodigy was really attracted to anyone. The only person that Itachi was emotionally invested in- beyond Shisui himself, of course- was Sasuke.

Only now, this blonde midget seemed to have snagged Itachi's interest. And since Shisui knew that Itachi wasn't a pedophile- his little brother complex was only vaguely suspicious- there was only one logical reason for the genius to sneak into Naruto's apartment.

Ten minutes later, and Shisui still couldn't find a single box of pocky in the entire damn apartment.

Shisui was eyeing Naruto's underwear drawer with a contemplative look on his face, when the object of his interest woke up.

"Hello," Naruto yawned, and lazily pushed himself up so he could comfortable rest against his bed's headboard, "Are you going to give me a hug?"

Shisui stared at the boy, confused. "You… want me to give you a hug?"

Naruto shrugged. "The other red-eyed man dragged me out to cuddle." Of course, the blonde was referring to Obito, but as far as Shisui knew, Itachi was the only other Uchiha to drop by in Naruto's apartment.

"Cuddle?" Shisui repeated, dumbly. He was Shisui no Shunshin (Shisui of the Body Flicker). He was powerful and skilled. He was a respected member of the elite Uchiha Clan. He was so, so confused.

Once again, Shisui flitted his eyes over the blonde, with his mind racing furiously. What was so special about him? Soft, distinct blonde hair, lightly golden skin, and blue eyes that were- well, just short of mesmerizing. Shisui felt that he could understand his cousin's decision a little bit as he looked into Naruto's eyes. They were so bright and expressive. Uchiha's were very skilled at reading emotions in eyes, but these blue irises were so remarkably open- a civilian's innocence in a shinobi's gaze- that you did not have to be trained to interpret them.

They were also shockingly familiar. Shisui may have only been seven at the time, but he could never forget a similar pair of determined blue eyes. The blue eyes, the blonde hair, the demon- oh fuckfuckfuck, Itachi was molesting the Yondaime's son!

It took Shisui approximately 42 seconds to analyze and determine this undoubtedly S-ranked secret. Clearly, the combination of shock, curiosity, and genius worked wonders.

"Naruto," Shisui began, clearing his throat, "Did- ah, that monst- man touch you in any other way?" Naruto looked understandably confused.

"No, he just hugged me," the boy informed the Uchiha.

Shisui sighed in relief. Itachi still had a chance for redemption.

"But he kept calling me 'chibi-mine'," Naruto continued. Or maybe not.

Shisui cursed his damn nosiness as he hesitantly made his way to the blonde. Itachi was his favorite cousin and best friend; Shisui really didn't want to bring him up on charges of child molestation. Yet Naruto was just a little kid (Sasuke's age!), and Shisui was morally obliged to protect him. Never mind the fact that he was the YONDAIME'S SON!

Besides, if Itachi was secretly molesting children, then who knows what other deviant behavior could he have gotten up to?

Stupid Itachi. Stupid, perverted Itachi who couldn't control his own hormones. What was Shisui supposed to do now?

As the genius Uchiha's mind worked feverishly to procure a satisfactory route of action, Naruto brought his mind to a screeching halt.

"He keeps making me call him my nii-san," the boy added, "We're not even related, but he gets all snappish when you tell him that."

Shisui felt his heart stop, somersault, and then finally start beating again. His heart soared. Itachi wasn't a pervert or a pocky thief! His cousin just needed another worshipper for his little brother complex. Personally, Shisui believed that Sasuke's adulation was more than enough, but if Itachi's obsession wanted to branch out, then who was he to stop the young genius?

Crisis resolved, Shisui's playful side came out, and he bounced over to the little blonde. He still had a few hours left until Naruto's change of guard would come over to dispel the genjutsu-induced sleep of the ANBU, so why not make the best of it?

After all, this WAS the Yondaime's son, and Shisui had some time to kill.

"Hey kid, do you want me to teach you how to throw shuriken?" Shisui grinned when the blonde's eyes lit up, "By the way, the name's Shisui. But I want you to call me… aniki."

At the blonde's nod, his smile widened. Perhaps there was something to this little brother complex after all.

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_**Right, so that's roughly half the story typed up and posted in one day. I've already written out the other half this morning, so all I have to do is type it up and submit it soon. The latest this story could possibly be finished by is next Friday, though hopefully I can get it done during the weekend. Hopefully, the readers of my regular stories won't mind this momentary deviation from my main literary focus; I just needed something spontaneous and new to break through the writer's block that had been developing over a few weeks. **_

_**This story is pretty short, but I also think it's kinda unique and interesting. I hope anyone else who reads this will share in that opinion.**_


	6. Madara hio-ojiisan

Uchiha Madara was Naruto's most reluctant late-night visitor. This was not, as could be assumed, a reflection of his lack of an emotional connection with the sunny blonde, but because most of Naruto's other visitors were a little desperate to forge a familial connection. In fact, Madara would have most likely been indifferent to the little Uzumaki had not two of his top lieutenants been so fascinated with him. That such attention was bestowed upon an isolated jinchuuriki piqued his interest, and caused the powerful man to do some research into Naruto's background.

No, he did not care that Naruto was the Yondaime Hokage's son. Why should he? Minato Namikaze was just a talented upstart from a family of civilians.

His mother on the other hand… Kushina Uzumaki came from an exalted and illustrious lineage spanning generations. Her grandfather was the brother to Mito Uzumaki. Naruto was Hashirama's great grand-nephew and- unlike the disappointment that was Tsunade Senju- he was very much similar to his famous ancestor. Even Zetsu's cursory report detailed how idealistic, optimistic, and reckless the boy was.

As Hashirama's eternal rival, Madara felt that it was his duty to check up on the man's descendant. He wouldn't want anything bad to happen to his jinchuuriki investment, after all.

It would be insulting to describe how laughably easy it was for Madara to sneak into the child's home; the disparity between the sole Uchiha and the seven teams of ANBU (security had been beefed up since the multiple sleeping incidents) was borderline ridiculous. He was mildly disturbed to find the door unlocked and a set of new slippers- adult sized- placed neatly by the opening. Had the child no sense of survival?

Hashirama's survival instinct was none too impressive either, but even he had placed a trap or two around his sleeping quarters. And he didn't provide any would-be thieves with new- and comfortable- bunny slippers.

Madara had simply planned to walk in and check the available amount of food and whether or not hot water was available, but came upon a small snag. The child was awake.

"Hello," Naruto greeted the Uchiha politely, "Would you like some tea?" The small boy didn't wait for the older man to reply, before he lifted a heavy, steaming tea pot from the table and poured the hot liquid into two chipped cups.

Had anyone but Madara (or Kakashi or Shisui or Itachi) been there, they would have been disturbed by the ease with which the five-year-old completed this adult activity. Since Madara (or Kakashi or Shisui or Itachi) was a prodigy though, he did not think through the implications of having a child be so atypically self-sufficient.

"Ginseng?" Madara looked down in surprise, "That's my favorite, but an unusual choice for a child…"

"One of the other red-eyed guys bought it for me," Naruto replied, "He brought dango too. It's not as good as ramen, but do you want some?"

"Yes, thank you," Madara said automatically. The boy's words penetrated a second later. "Other red-eyed guys? Not including me, how many red-eyed people have you met, Naruto?"

"Itachi-nii, Obito-nii, Shisui-nii, and Kakashi-nii all had red eyes," Naruto listed off, matter-of-fact, "Obito-nii and Kakashi-nii only have one though. And Kakashi-nii hides his."

Madara stared at him. Good god, this child really was a true descendant of Hashirama. The idealistic Senju also had the irritating habit of attracting the attention, the interest, and then the affection of any and all Uchiha. His clan had never held much patience for inferior outsiders, much less those of the Senju variety. For Hashirama though, they would find this otherwise absent indulgence, and Naruto appeared to have inherited this knack.

To divert his sudden urge to hug/throttle the boy, Madara abruptly turned to the open-room kitchen and made his way to the cupboards. It took a single glance for him to determine that the child had an unhealthy obsession with ramen. A small box of dango- unopened- was the only other food available.

To be fair, it was only natural for a child with little adult supervision to consume only foodstuffs he enjoyed, but something felt distinctly off with that. He turned around and observed the silent boy again.

Spiky blonde hair. Bright blue eyes. Thin whisker marks on lightly tanned skin. He was adorable. Only… children weren't supposed to be that small, were they? And his clothes were rather thin for the cold weather. Madara frowned, and began to fiddle with the tap sink.

The tap didn't emit any hot water.

Madara's frown deepened.

"What are you doing?" Naruto demanded to know, his patience having run out, "Hey! Don't touch my cup ramen! Why are you taking them out of the cupboard?"

"To make room for some healthy food," was Madara's response, and- much to the Uchiha's irritation- it managed to make the boy's mouth close in stunned disbelief. His surprise- "Kami, did they even bother to feed him?" Madara thought savagely, angrily- did not last long as all of Madara's food was sealed in scrolls and that piqued Naruto's curiosity. The boy marveled at the inked scroll, which the Uchiha jerkily opened and poured his unique, dark chakra into.

"Awesome!" Naruto exclaimed, as a large cardboard box popped up in a puff of smoke, "Where did that come from? How did you do it? Can you teach me?"

"It came from an individual pocket space universe created by chakra and stabilized by the inked seals on this scroll," Madara felt slightly more comfortable in his lecture mode, "This is done by placing two layered circles of seals on top of each other. One serves the purpose of regulating time to keep the food fresh, whereas the other string of seals creates the pocket space. By mixing my blood, which carries molecules of the physical and spiritual energy needed to make chakra- with the ink, I have made it so that no one else can use this seal. You're too young."

Surprisingly enough, the child- whom Zetsu had denounced as fairly dim-witted- seemed to understand this. Or perhaps it was not so surprising since he was related to Mito Uzumaki- who was only slightly more tolerable than her husband because she did not insist to continue their nonexistent relationship. Hashirama never suffered from rejection, since he did not seem to understand it in any reasonable manner.

"What is that?" Naruto asked, clearly knowing full well what the glazed pastry in Madara's hand was as he looked at it with a wistful gaze. The Uchiha answered the question that was really being asked when he handed the treat over to the clearly delighted boy.

"Don't eat too many of those at once," Madara warned, unnecessarily in his opinion, as the boy had not even made a move towards consuming the treat held in his hand, choosing instead to look at it with eyes full of wonder. He would most likely eat the box full of pastries slowly; savoring a little each day to make it last as long as possible.

Once again, Madara felt a distinct pang of wrongness.

The two males held a companionable silence for a while longer as Madara stocked the cupboards and Naruto slowly ate his rare treat. When Madara had finished with his task, he took out the package of dango, sat across from Naruto on the rickety table, and offered the boy a piece of dango.

"I'll have to place warming seals on your pipe," Madara said, offhandedly, "I'll key them to the hot water handle so that you don't have to use frigid water all of the time."

Naruto nodded in understanding. "Thank you," he said, softly. He had been given many kindnesses over the year, but he still felt overwhelmed when someone showed him even the slightest bit of concern over his well-being.

"How are you related to me?" Naruto asked, tilting his head to the side. It was a reasonable question from the little boy since all of the other strangers had insisted on a familial title and the old man had taken care of him.

Madara bristled. "We're not related!" he snapped, feeling entirely indignant over the assumption. There nerve of that child! As if he would be in any way related to those insufferable Senju, and their insane Uzumaki cousins.

Naruto misinterpreted that. "Oh, it's okay if we don't share a blood relation," the five-year-old assured brightly, "I like you! You're really nice! But you seem lonely, so we should be each other's family, see? That way both of us won't be alone anymore."

Madara stared at him. The child- Naruto- was oblivious, presumptuous, and naive. He couldn't be more like Hashirama had he tried.

"You look really old to me," the blonde went on tactlessly, "Can I call you hii-ojiisan? I think you should be a hii-ojiisan. I'll call you hii-ojiisan!"

Madara was familiar enough with Hashirama's persistent delusions to simply sigh.

"Fine," he allowed, smiling a little reluctantly as the blonde promptly cheered and did a little victory dance, "For your safety though- and the continued secrecy of the Akatsuki- I think any late night family reunions should be locked away in your mind. I'm sorry, Naruto."

"Tsukuyomi."

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_**This chapter ended up a lot more depressing than I had originally planned for it to be, but I think that in the end, it all managed to work out.**_


	7. Sasuke's Confession

"Because I love you, dammit!"

Somehow, despite the fact that everyone in a five mile radius was involved in a battle, Sasuke Uchiha's declaration managed to be heard by the entire army. All of the shinobi quickly stilled as one of the key players in the war- and honestly, which side was he fighting for now?- made such a stunning revelation. (It was a little known fact that becoming a ninja left you with a whole new appreciation for soap operas) One of the genin still attempted to throw a kunai, before a Zetsu clone casually decapitated him; the brat's jounin-sensei nodded to him thankfully.

"What?" a dozen or so voice simultaneously soared. Incidentally, not one of those voices was the person to whom the declaration had been made in the first place, since Uzumaki Naruto was still gaping at his ex-best friend in shock.

A little background information first: all of the fighters were in a large, rocky clearing of more or less level ground (Onoki won the coin toss). The Allied Shinobi Army- with the assistance of five of the escaped Bijuu- was fighting against Madara, Obito, and a huge army of Zetsu clones. Half of the fighters on either side were Edo-Tensei-ed, so people had become mainly blase about death. It was hard to fear dying when Edo Tensei was being spammed around like Naruto's Kage Bunshin.

"Well? Aren't you going to say something, dobe?" Sasuke demanded, a little desperately, as he ignored the darkening faces around him and focused on the blonde. He took a step closer to Naruto, causing a certain nine-tailed fox behind him to growl threateningly.

"Do you really…? Sasuke?" Naruto said, bewildered and more than a little hurt, "If this is supposed to be one of your little jokes- Kami, how cruel can you be, Sasuke?"

"I'm not joking!" Sasuke said, vehemently, before his voice softened. Despite the low tone in which he spoke, his words managed to carry across the clearing. "You know there's something between us Naruto. You can't possibly tell me that you still love Sakura, not after you and I… you have always been my most precious person Naruto, and I know I've been yours. Even before we became friends we were each other's first kiss."

"First kiss?" Minato Namikaze interjected, his tone particularly cold, "Exactly what do you mean by first kiss?"

"Is Sakura that pink, one-trick banshee?" Obito wanted to know, "THAT used to be your crush, chibi-mine? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Huh? Did you just call me chibi-mine?" Naruto said, incredulous, "What gives you the right to say that, you creep? You're not another Orochimaru, are you?" Despite the fact that he had been trying his hardest to kill Naruto shortly before, the Uchiha still had the nerve to look hurt by the accusation.

"I forgot that you still had that genjutsu on," Madara interrupted, "Not too surprising I suppose, since I had been the one to place it. Give me a second."

Before an alarmed Naruto could move or protest, Madara flashed in front of the boy and placed his fingers against the blonde's forehead.

"Kai," he said, clearly.

The majority of the Allied Shinobi Army and Sasuke looked on in concern as Naruto's hands flew up to his forehead and he groaned slightly. A quick series of memories passed through his mind, at which point he blinked and tried to assemble the new information. Once he was satisfied, he looked up to see an amused Madara, who had been standing there patiently for the last minute.

"Not cool, hii-ojiisan," was the first thing Naruto said, which completely shocked the surrounding viewers. The blonde rubbed his forehead and started to mutter, "Kakashi-nii, Obito-nii, Shisui-nii, Itachi-nii, and Nagato-jii? Seriously? You wiped all of that information from my mind? I was so freaked out that year! Food kept appearing out of nowhere and someone had left a bunch of orange jumpsuits in my closet. Half the time, I thought I swore there were people walking outside of my bedroom door. I thought there was a ghost living with me!"

"So that's why you never returned my greetings on the streets," Itachi realized, aloud. He looked over at his favorite, messy-haired cousin, "Shisui? You too?"

"I had been following you, and saw you enter his home," the man explained, "Did you know that Naru-chan was the Yondaime's kid?"

"Obviously," Obito scoffed, "He looks just like Minato-sensei. I can't believe that more people didn't realize that."

"I think that they were just in denial," Kakashi added, deciding to simply ignore the surreality of the situation. Besides, he hadn't spoken to his old friend in years, barring a few tense exchanges in the battlefield. It felt nice.

"Just what the hell is going on?" Tsunade demanded, looking decidedly pissed-off.

"Well, when I was five, pretty much everyone who had some sort of connection to my family- 'cept for you and Jiraiya- proceeded to sneak into my apartment at night for a quick chat before proceeding to ignore me for the next ten or so years of my life," Naruto quickly summarized.

"Damn, I KNEW I should have followed my instincts that night and snuck into the gaki's room," Anko looked deeply disappointed. She received several looks of disbelief.

"And how are you related to Naruto?" Nagato wanted to know.

"I'm the student of his father's sensei's old teammate," Anko explained.

"What type of relationship is THAT?" Obito said, derisively, "You're hardly any better than a stranger."

"Well, Madara is basing HIS entire claim on a childhood rivalry with Naruto's second cousin once removed's husband," Zetsu pointed out reasonably, before quailing under the glare of said man.

"Not a childhood rivalry," Hashirama Senju protested, "We were destined to be the greatest of friends and comrades in battle-"

"We're not friends," Madara snapped, "Stop telling people that! I agreed to attend your birthday party once- ONCE- and that was because I was falsely lured in by promises of a tomato flavoured cake. I don't like you!"

"Uchiha and their tomatoes," Tobirama commented, as his brother sulked.

"Will you shut up already?!" Sasuke finally exploded, "I'm in the middle of a love confession here!"

"I don't know Sasuke," Naruto admitted, "I mean, I know you never stick to any one course of action, and I'm not sure if I can deal with your commitment issues- and the whole repeatedly tried to kill me thing is also annoying…"

"Oh, stop trying to play coy, Naruto," Kiba shouted, annoyed, "It's not like you've been able to stay away from Sasuke for that long, anyway. You spent four damn years of your life trying to get him back, and dragging us along for the ride. The only person that's more clingy than you is that Obito Uchiha guy, and he keeps trying to cast an eternal genjutsu on the moon to get his love back when all he needs to do is use Edo Tensei."

Naruto glared at the Inuzuka. "Shut up mutt! This is a life changing decision here!"

"It's true," Jiraiya confirmed, "The old toad sage claimed that Naruto and Sasuke were destined to have some world altering interaction. I thought they were supposed to fight to the death, but I guess I was wrong."

"How bad of a love life do you need to have to use a prophecy to get yourself laid?" one random Chuunin wondered aloud.

Naruto ignored the man and turned his attention to the impatient Uchiha.

"Okay," he said, simply, his face lighting up with a small, heartfelt smile.

"Okay," Sasuke echoed, returning the smile, "I'm glad that you said yes. We should talk about our relationship… later."

"When my father isn't glaring at you," Naruto agreed.

"Wait just a minute there," Nagato protested, receiving many nods in agreement from the rest of the blond's 'family', "You can't just come in here and expect to date Naruto! For one, he's far too young-"

"And you're clearly a bad influence on him," Minato continued, rage coursing through his body.

"There's also these killing attempts to discuss," Shisui added, with a deceptively sweet smile.

"I'm sorry otouto, but you simply cannot be allowed to corrupt Naruto," Itachi said calmly, activating his Mangekyo Sharingan, "I shall make this swift and painless."

"Suspend the war for an indefinite period," Madara ordered, "This is an internal family matter." The others all agreed rather happily, except for Onoki who grumbled about how a continental war initiated by two Konoha nin shouldn't be dismissed just because those same Konoha nin found it inconvenient.

"Why don't you let that nice young man- Neji, wasn't it?- lead you out of the battlefield, chibi-mine?" Obito suggested, "A few of us will stay behind to have a small chat with your new boyfriend."

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	8. Epilogue

Luckily for Sasuke Uchiha, Tsunade was willing to heal him after he was nearly beaten to death. Though, in this case, "willing" meant that Naruto's sniffling and teary eyes managed to overcome her admittedly poor tolerance for his adorableness. The war ended so Madara could start planning for Naruto's wedding- a large, elaborate affair that found another eager organizer in Shizune. All of the members of Akatsuki were given pardons- even Madara when Naruto pulled out his Puppy Eyes no Jutsu 2.0- and Kurama declared himself to be Naruto's best man.

Since one of the Bijuu was invited to the wedding (not to mention a part of the wedding party), the rest, not to be outdone by their arrogant nine-tailed brother, demanded invitations as well. The former jinchuuriki got invitations too, and so did the Kages, the Daimyos, the Akatsuki, etc. It was a huge financial windfall for Konoha, who would be hosting the greatest wedding in history.

Most of the people who had been Edo Tensei-ed went back to the afterlife, with a few exceptions. Minato Namikaze, the Yondaime Hokage, decided to stick around for his only child's wedding. Asuma Sarutobi wanted to raise his kid for a little bit and achieve his lifelong dream of beating Shikamaru Nara in Shogi. Since it was Shikamaru NARA who was his opponent, everyone pretty much agreed that Asuma had achieved immortality.

Hashirama refused to die until Madara admitted that they were best friends. Against his younger brother's sage advice, the legendary Senju proceeded to stalk the man across the Elemental Nations, bugging him to allow Hashirama to join the wedding party. After three hundred and twenty-six refusals too many, the Shodaime snapped, dragged the Uchiha into an empty room, and proceeded to have his wicked way with him. The next day had Madara sulking over the Senju's superior poker skills.

Sakura Haruno learned that the love of her life was gay and promptly committed seppuku.

As for Obito, he followed Kiba's suggestion and brought Rin back to life with Edo Tensei. Unfortunately for him, his childhood crush had blinded him to many of her less attractive qualities, and after two weeks of listening to her whining and paying her exorbitant dango bills, he proceeded to kill her (in a painful and tasteful fashion). Since death had become more or less optional now, and since Rin managed to annoy everyone of consequence, Obito wasn't punished. He was, however, depressed about wasting over two decades of his life, and got wasted at a bar, before drunkenly staggering into Kakashi's apartment. A few hours of crying, the Drunken Head no Jutsu, and the discovery that his second friend was far more attractive than Rin led to a double wedding.

Sasuke's and Naruto's wedding was a wonderful affair, with Fugaku and Kushina looking on proudly as Minato and Mikoto happily cried their hearts out. Itachi gave his younger brother an approving nod, before grabbing the entire wedding cake and promptly hightailing it out of there. Neji, Lee, Kiba, Shikamaru, Sai, Choji, Haku (Edo Tensei), and Shisui were all chosen to be groomsmen. Tobirama solemnly presided over the ceremony since all of the other Kages were roaring drunk (on account of Nagato, who managed to answer the age old question of what was the best dojutsu by distilling some very high-quality sake with Chibaku Tensei).

In all of the chaos, Onoki managed to get his granddaughter, Kurotsuchi, onto the dais, where she was married to both Sasuke and Naruto, who were also married to each other (ryo may have exchanged hands). Not to be outdone, the Raikage added Yugito and the Mizukage elected to join herself. Gaara, after discretely eyeing Shikamaru, also dragged Temari up there. Hinata simply smiled serenely, knocked a contemplative Ino unconscious, and stepped into her position. Thus, Naruto and Sasuke held the dubious honor of being the first gay couple with a female harem.

Luckily, Hinata had studied medicine, and she didn't need to have sex with Naruto to bear his children.

Incidentally, this led to stable diplomatic relations and lasting peace for the entire Elemental Continent. So you see, Naruto really was the prophecy child, and he did end the cycle of hatred- all by marrying a couple of hot chicks. Jiraiya was so proud.

Of course, the entire Konoha Twelve (barring Sakura) grew up, became successful ninja, and started their own families. Naruto and Sasuke created a seal that would allow both of their genes to be carried by a baby, and then became the proud fathers of fourteen healthy and happy children, with either blonde, red, black, or dark blue hair. After a few more years as the Godaime, Tsunade stepped down and it was unanimously decided that Kiba would be the next Hokage. He was adored by the entire populace for his brilliant decisions such as starting a national holiday for hugging cute and cuddly animals and creating a female version of Icha Icha. It turned out that the real reason women hated the orange book was because they were jealous of not having their own quality porn.

Teuchi Ichiraku, once derided as the worst businessman in Konoha for extending his patronage to the demon brat, also became the wealthiest as Naruto's fame- and his own by extension- spread far and wide. His fortune was so great that the younger son of the Daimyo received permission from his father to court Ayame. Luckily it was a love match, so Teuchi had no problem with accepting the young royal into his family.

Madara went on to become even more famous with his extraordinarily successful wedding planning company, while Hashirama started a successful chain of strip poker casinos. Tobirama started a water park, followed by an ice cream company, followed by a demon-themed bookstore, and so on with his crafty business partner, Kyuubi, by his side. They were so successful that Kiba ultimately had to ban them from starting any more companies, since merchants were starting to complain of monopolies.

While this was going on, a thief by the name of The Sugar Bandit, started acting out around Fire Country. He was never caught, and generations of Konoha's children would be horrified by the tales of a red-eyed demon who stole candy from babies.

Finally, Naruto's eldest child, Hikaru, managed to kill the evil demon cat, Tora, on his first D-rank mission. And all was well.

The End

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_**Finally, the story is finished! This ended up a lot more silly than I had originally planned it to be, but I rather enjoyed doing it, since I usually work more towards serious fics than silly ones. I hope that everyone here enjoyed this story!**_


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